Twenty One Days

I've been having an internal debate as to whether I share what's going on with my mental health or not. I feel like a hypocrite if I don't keep record of it and share it to some extent. There's such a negative stigma associated with mental health and I feel like I perpetuate that if I keep what's going on with me a secret.

I've been on antidepressants for over ten years now, I've attempted suicide once, I've thought about suicide hundreds of times, I've cut myself, acted irrationally and impulsively, and probably ruined relationships due to my own mental health issues.

For the past few months, I've been spiraling into paranoia and irrational thoughts. Thank God I have a caring partner who pointed out how odd I was behaving and encouraged me to tell my therapist everything. I have a terrible habit of going to therapy and glossing over everything that is going on and not even acknowledging that everything is wrong. I don't want to be embarrassed  and I don't want to seem "weird". Not telling my therapist what's going on completely negates the point of therapy.

Last week my therapist entered me into an emergency intensive outpatient therapy. So, I have group therapy 9 hours per week, individual therapy 1 to 2 hours per week, and a weekly psychiatrist appointment for medication appointments. I've never let myself join the crazies! At first I was shocked and embarrassed and didn't want to take the time off work to take care of myself, but I'm embracing it at this point.

This morning in therapy I had to talk about things I don't usually talk about, in fact, in my years of therapy I've *never* talked about being raped, or being molested at a church event when I was 14, and I've ignored a lot of the things in my brain that were definitely put there by adults as a child. I've realized that I have a really hard time saying "no". I constantly plan events and hangouts with friends, and it looks like I've been doing this for years as a way to not have to pay attention to all the weird shit going on in my brain..

So, under doctors orders, I'm off work for the next 21 days, I've postponed absolutely every event that I had planned until April.  Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, etc are down until April. I'm not going to pay attention to anything that's not 100% necessary.

These are things I'm supposed to concentrate on: therapy, sleep, meditation, medication compliance, and journaling. I'm also supposed to eat healthy and make sure to get some kind of exercise each day. My doctor told me to think of exercise as medicine, not something I do to be thin. Not many people get to take 21 days to take care of themselves. I'm really lucky my work was understanding and I'm really glad a health care professional pretty much demanded that I take care of myself.

I'm learning how to be selfish so I'm a better mother, partner, daughter, and employee. I'm learning how to be mindful and live in the moment, not in the past and not worrying about what could happen.

In a nutshell, for 21 days I will:  write, meditate, pamper, nourish, educate, and just be.