I’m not sure where my support system is right now. So, I’m
diagnosed with bipolar, I’m reading a lot about it and so much of my life is
making sense. I’m seeing where I’ve had all of these manic and depressive
episodes throughout my life. I feel like my biggest hurdle is Rob. He’s my
partner and he isn’t being there. I feel this desperation to have him accept how crazy my brain is and instead I'm getting rejection.
I tried to go back to work full time last Thursday, and I freaked out. I'm still learning about bipolar, so I don't really know even what to call this, maybe a mixed episode? I was high high high at work and so excited to be going out to dinner, then got in an argument with Rob and went straight to feeling desperate and suicidal and like cutting myself, then Christina from group came over and talked me down and then I was high high high again and went out with friends. I went to bed about midnight and woke up at 3am back to the mania and stayed up all night on the computer with a lot of energy.
Then I slept all day.
Rob thinks that with the diagnosis came this life sentence of me always being as nuts as I've been acting for the past month or so. But it's not like the bipolar just started last month, I've just finally figured out why I'm on such an emotional roller coaster. I've gone years without any sort of medication for bipolar, but I can so clearly see in hindsight when I was having a manic or depressive episode. Rob thinks I'm going to be this nuts everyday, but I know if I can just get through this episode and get normalized on medication it could be another year or more before I have an episode.
I made myself a six week treatment plan, it's got therapy, support group, medication compliance and more stuff on it. I'm going to see if work will let me work six weeks at part time and then try to go back.
I just want everyone to understand that just because I'm in the midst of the crazy, the crazy is GOING to end. It always has before. Just because I have an identifying name for it, doesn't mean it's stuck here. Yes, it's been 2 months, but it's been YEARS since I've had an episode.
Be patient with me!
