Patience

I’m not sure where my support system is right now. So, I’m diagnosed with bipolar, I’m reading a lot about it and so much of my life is making sense. I’m seeing where I’ve had all of these manic and depressive episodes throughout my life. I feel like my biggest hurdle is Rob. He’s my partner and he isn’t being there. I feel this desperation to have him accept how crazy my brain is and instead I'm getting rejection.

I tried to go back to work full time last Thursday, and I freaked out. I'm still learning about bipolar, so I don't really know even what to call this, maybe a mixed episode? I was high high high at work and so excited to be going out to dinner, then got in an argument with Rob and went straight to feeling desperate and suicidal and like cutting myself, then Christina from group came over and talked me down and then I was high high high again and went out with friends. I went to bed about midnight and woke up at 3am back to the mania and stayed up all night on the computer with a lot of energy.

Then I slept all day.

Rob thinks that with the diagnosis came this life sentence of me always being as nuts as I've been acting for the past month or so. But it's not like the bipolar just started last month, I've just finally figured out why I'm on such an emotional roller coaster. I've gone years without any sort of medication for bipolar, but I can so clearly see in hindsight when I was having a manic or depressive episode. Rob thinks I'm going to be this nuts everyday, but I know if I can just get through this episode and get normalized on medication it could be another year or more before I have an episode.

I made myself a six week treatment plan, it's got therapy, support group, medication compliance and more stuff on it. I'm going to see if work will let me work six weeks at part time and then try to go back.

I just want everyone to understand that just because I'm in the midst of the crazy, the crazy is GOING to end. It always has before. Just because I have an identifying name for it, doesn't mean it's stuck here. Yes, it's been 2 months, but it's been YEARS since I've had an episode.

Be patient with me!

Twenty One Days

I've been having an internal debate as to whether I share what's going on with my mental health or not. I feel like a hypocrite if I don't keep record of it and share it to some extent. There's such a negative stigma associated with mental health and I feel like I perpetuate that if I keep what's going on with me a secret.

I've been on antidepressants for over ten years now, I've attempted suicide once, I've thought about suicide hundreds of times, I've cut myself, acted irrationally and impulsively, and probably ruined relationships due to my own mental health issues.

For the past few months, I've been spiraling into paranoia and irrational thoughts. Thank God I have a caring partner who pointed out how odd I was behaving and encouraged me to tell my therapist everything. I have a terrible habit of going to therapy and glossing over everything that is going on and not even acknowledging that everything is wrong. I don't want to be embarrassed  and I don't want to seem "weird". Not telling my therapist what's going on completely negates the point of therapy.

Last week my therapist entered me into an emergency intensive outpatient therapy. So, I have group therapy 9 hours per week, individual therapy 1 to 2 hours per week, and a weekly psychiatrist appointment for medication appointments. I've never let myself join the crazies! At first I was shocked and embarrassed and didn't want to take the time off work to take care of myself, but I'm embracing it at this point.

This morning in therapy I had to talk about things I don't usually talk about, in fact, in my years of therapy I've *never* talked about being raped, or being molested at a church event when I was 14, and I've ignored a lot of the things in my brain that were definitely put there by adults as a child. I've realized that I have a really hard time saying "no". I constantly plan events and hangouts with friends, and it looks like I've been doing this for years as a way to not have to pay attention to all the weird shit going on in my brain..

So, under doctors orders, I'm off work for the next 21 days, I've postponed absolutely every event that I had planned until April.  Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, etc are down until April. I'm not going to pay attention to anything that's not 100% necessary.

These are things I'm supposed to concentrate on: therapy, sleep, meditation, medication compliance, and journaling. I'm also supposed to eat healthy and make sure to get some kind of exercise each day. My doctor told me to think of exercise as medicine, not something I do to be thin. Not many people get to take 21 days to take care of themselves. I'm really lucky my work was understanding and I'm really glad a health care professional pretty much demanded that I take care of myself.

I'm learning how to be selfish so I'm a better mother, partner, daughter, and employee. I'm learning how to be mindful and live in the moment, not in the past and not worrying about what could happen.

In a nutshell, for 21 days I will:  write, meditate, pamper, nourish, educate, and just be.