I never thought my self-esteem would take such a hard hit after pregnancy. I really thought I would lose more weight than I have so far just by breastfeeding and running errands. That was not a correct assumption.
I'm having a day where I feel really, really down on myself. I went to a Zumba class on Saturday and realized how extremely out of shape I am. I'm not even used to carrying the extra weight, and so certain steps during the class that I just assumed would be easy were really difficult. I felt like my legs weighed 100 pounds apiece. (Which, I guess realistically, they are not too far from!) Being "light on my feet"? Not even possible at this point. I'm 45 pounds heavier than where I was a year ago.
I guess I'm frustrated this morning because I wish I had a workout partner everyday. Or I wish I had something I could do in my apartment besides stupid workout videos. I like going to classes, they keep me motivated because I'm too proud to quit. If I try to work out at home doing a video, I always end up quitting. I'm my own worst enemy when it comes to losing weight. I feel like I should just be the same size I was before the baby. And every time I think about dieting, it makes me want to eat more.
Added to the the feeling that I'm fat and disgusting is me trying to re-prioritize my life. I used to worry about burlesque stuff SO much, and I think I need to let it go. It's all a pride thing. I feel like I worked so hard for almost two years at a monthly show in Raleigh, and now while I've been on hiatus while pregnant, I feel like my hard work has been taken over by other people. It's frustrating to see something that I felt like was my baby taken over by people who have other visions. It's not that their vision is wrong, it's just different. I'm used to being in charge and it's really hard to let that go... I feel like I did the groundwork and someone else is getting the recognition and the credit. Everyone wants to be "right" and we all end up arguing a lot. I'm pretty sure at this point everyone just wants me to quit. They'd probably throw a party. And it's
I love being a mommy, I love Laila more than anything else in the world. She is so amazing. There are so many times I just sit and watch her and cry because I'm so happy. I can't believe she is MINE! And I get to keep her! At the same time, in a way it is depressing to feel like I'm giving up every other aspect of myself. My life is baby 24/7. She IS totally worth it, but I do think I need other things in my life too. It's all about finding a balance, I suppose, and I'm trying to learn how to do that.
