Patience

I’m not sure where my support system is right now. So, I’m diagnosed with bipolar, I’m reading a lot about it and so much of my life is making sense. I’m seeing where I’ve had all of these manic and depressive episodes throughout my life. I feel like my biggest hurdle is Rob. He’s my partner and he isn’t being there. I feel this desperation to have him accept how crazy my brain is and instead I'm getting rejection.

I tried to go back to work full time last Thursday, and I freaked out. I'm still learning about bipolar, so I don't really know even what to call this, maybe a mixed episode? I was high high high at work and so excited to be going out to dinner, then got in an argument with Rob and went straight to feeling desperate and suicidal and like cutting myself, then Christina from group came over and talked me down and then I was high high high again and went out with friends. I went to bed about midnight and woke up at 3am back to the mania and stayed up all night on the computer with a lot of energy.

Then I slept all day.

Rob thinks that with the diagnosis came this life sentence of me always being as nuts as I've been acting for the past month or so. But it's not like the bipolar just started last month, I've just finally figured out why I'm on such an emotional roller coaster. I've gone years without any sort of medication for bipolar, but I can so clearly see in hindsight when I was having a manic or depressive episode. Rob thinks I'm going to be this nuts everyday, but I know if I can just get through this episode and get normalized on medication it could be another year or more before I have an episode.

I made myself a six week treatment plan, it's got therapy, support group, medication compliance and more stuff on it. I'm going to see if work will let me work six weeks at part time and then try to go back.

I just want everyone to understand that just because I'm in the midst of the crazy, the crazy is GOING to end. It always has before. Just because I have an identifying name for it, doesn't mean it's stuck here. Yes, it's been 2 months, but it's been YEARS since I've had an episode.

Be patient with me!

Twenty One Days

I've been having an internal debate as to whether I share what's going on with my mental health or not. I feel like a hypocrite if I don't keep record of it and share it to some extent. There's such a negative stigma associated with mental health and I feel like I perpetuate that if I keep what's going on with me a secret.

I've been on antidepressants for over ten years now, I've attempted suicide once, I've thought about suicide hundreds of times, I've cut myself, acted irrationally and impulsively, and probably ruined relationships due to my own mental health issues.

For the past few months, I've been spiraling into paranoia and irrational thoughts. Thank God I have a caring partner who pointed out how odd I was behaving and encouraged me to tell my therapist everything. I have a terrible habit of going to therapy and glossing over everything that is going on and not even acknowledging that everything is wrong. I don't want to be embarrassed  and I don't want to seem "weird". Not telling my therapist what's going on completely negates the point of therapy.

Last week my therapist entered me into an emergency intensive outpatient therapy. So, I have group therapy 9 hours per week, individual therapy 1 to 2 hours per week, and a weekly psychiatrist appointment for medication appointments. I've never let myself join the crazies! At first I was shocked and embarrassed and didn't want to take the time off work to take care of myself, but I'm embracing it at this point.

This morning in therapy I had to talk about things I don't usually talk about, in fact, in my years of therapy I've *never* talked about being raped, or being molested at a church event when I was 14, and I've ignored a lot of the things in my brain that were definitely put there by adults as a child. I've realized that I have a really hard time saying "no". I constantly plan events and hangouts with friends, and it looks like I've been doing this for years as a way to not have to pay attention to all the weird shit going on in my brain..

So, under doctors orders, I'm off work for the next 21 days, I've postponed absolutely every event that I had planned until April.  Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, etc are down until April. I'm not going to pay attention to anything that's not 100% necessary.

These are things I'm supposed to concentrate on: therapy, sleep, meditation, medication compliance, and journaling. I'm also supposed to eat healthy and make sure to get some kind of exercise each day. My doctor told me to think of exercise as medicine, not something I do to be thin. Not many people get to take 21 days to take care of themselves. I'm really lucky my work was understanding and I'm really glad a health care professional pretty much demanded that I take care of myself.

I'm learning how to be selfish so I'm a better mother, partner, daughter, and employee. I'm learning how to be mindful and live in the moment, not in the past and not worrying about what could happen.

In a nutshell, for 21 days I will:  write, meditate, pamper, nourish, educate, and just be.

Mommy has lost 33 pounds since delivery! WOOO! I still have about 40 to lose though. I've set up "Miss Rachel Riot's Incredible Shrinking Woman plan" and have all my goals posted on the fridge. 5 pounds at a time, and for every five pounds I lose I get a prize :) A new pair of heels, a sexy bra, etc. Motivation is coming back :)

I'm slowly learning how to balance Miss Rachel Riot with being a mommy. Laila is amazing. She smiles now and will start giggling any day now. It's super exciting.

I'm trying to stay involved with the burlesque troupe in Raleigh, but they've added all these new people that I've never even met. It really does feel like a slap in the face since I co-founded the troupe, that they really don't want to include me in anything. It's a shitty left out feeling.

I did, however, start my own production company called Riot Here, Riot Now Productions. I am producing three events in December and am also representing two local performers and handling bookings for them. Now I have a way to stay involved and make some cash.

As soon as I lose about 20 more pounds, I'm going to send out emails to all my burlesque ladies in other cities and see if I can book some shows outside of my comfort zone. I will be much happier when I'm back in action :)

One of my friends in Fayetteville suggested making goals of fun stuff to do and things I'd like to learn. So David and I made a goals list on our white board that we can see every day. I'm supposed to learn to knit, take aerials, and send in auditions for the Southern Fried Burlesque Fest before Christmas. We are also planning on taking country dance lessons together. We went to a country bar last night to check out the dancers.

There's a lot of change going on, still. Some of it is really hard, and I'm learning who my real friends are. (There aren't many of them). I'm also learning that people treat you like you are completely un-cool when you're a mom and have a bunch of weight to lose. Never mind that I'm still the same person on the inside. All in all, there are a lot of exciting things going on and I'm super stoked to feel like a productive member of society again :)

More to love!

I never thought my self-esteem would take such a hard hit after pregnancy. I really thought I would lose more weight than I have so far just by breastfeeding and running errands. That was not a correct assumption.

I'm having a day where I feel really, really down on myself. I went to a Zumba class on Saturday and realized how extremely out of shape I am. I'm not even used to carrying the extra weight, and so certain steps during the class that I just assumed would be easy were really difficult. I felt like my legs weighed 100 pounds apiece. (Which, I guess realistically, they are not too far from!) Being "light on my feet"? Not even possible at this point. I'm 45 pounds heavier than where I was a year ago.

I guess I'm frustrated this morning because I wish I had a workout partner everyday. Or I wish I had something I could do in my apartment besides stupid workout videos. I like going to classes, they keep me motivated because I'm too proud to quit. If I try to work out at home doing a video, I always end up quitting. I'm my own worst enemy when it comes to losing weight. I feel like I should just be the same size I was before the baby. And every time I think about dieting, it makes me want to eat more.

Added to the the feeling that I'm fat and disgusting is me trying to re-prioritize my life. I used to worry about burlesque stuff SO much, and I think I need to let it go. It's all a pride thing. I feel like I worked so hard for almost two years at a monthly show in Raleigh, and now while I've been on hiatus while pregnant, I feel like my hard work has been taken over by other people. It's frustrating to see something that I felt like was my baby taken over by people who have other visions. It's not that their vision is wrong, it's just different. I'm used to being in charge and it's really hard to let that go... I feel like I did the groundwork and someone else is getting the recognition and the credit. Everyone wants to be "right" and we all end up arguing a lot. I'm pretty sure at this point everyone just wants me to quit. They'd probably throw a party. And it's

I love being a mommy, I love Laila more than anything else in the world. She is so amazing. There are so many times I just sit and watch her and cry because I'm so happy. I can't believe she is MINE! And I get to keep her! At the same time, in a way it is depressing to feel like I'm giving up every other aspect of myself. My life is baby 24/7. She IS totally worth it, but I do think I need other things in my life too. It's all about finding a balance, I suppose, and I'm trying to learn how to do that.

Heavy Rebel is this weekend...

...and I'm pretty stoked that this is the last event I have to worry about for awhile. When I found out I was pregnant I thought I'd still wear heels all the time and be cute and still do burlesque stuff. Hahahaha, was I wrong or what??? I figured planning events would be no big deal and I could sell a ton of merch and make some money, etc.

At this point, it's 11pm on Thursday night. We have to leave at 9am and head to Raleigh in the morning to pick up the Wiggle Room shirts from the screenprinter, then head to Winston-Salem. David and I spent a lot of money on supplies to make pasties and hair flowers for the merch table, and right now I've got one hair flower and maybe 12 pairs of pasties. David is way craftier than me and his stuff all looks better than mine. I've been so overwhelmed today that I rush through everything and it ends up looking like crap.

The kitchen table is covered in glitter and sequins and rhinestones and fabric. The kitchen is a mess from where I tried to dye a dress, but after 3 tries it is still a pale turquoise instead of the bright green I was going for. I haven't packed anything yet, and I still have to go to the copy shop and pick up flyers.

Surprisingly enough, barely any of this is due to procrastination. I've probably spent over 100 hours doing Heavy Rebel stuff, and to anyone else it probably doesn't look like I've had to do that much, but coordinating about 45 people is a huge pain in the ass!

I am still looking forward to the weekend, but if I knew how it was going to feel to be seven months pregnant doing all of this stuff, I would have backed out. Silly me! I don't even get to drink PBR this year!

I can't wait to come home Sunday or Monday and relax. I have nothing going on for the next few months except birthing classes, breastfeeding classes, the hospital tour, and baby showers! It's only 9 weeks til Laila is scheduled to arrive and I can't wait! Although I still don't have a nursery ready... but I'll save that for another day :)

Hormones, hospital, employment. Oh my!

It's been a pretty eventful week...

Sunday night we drove back from a weekend in Charlotte and arrived in Fayetteville about 10pm. As we pulled into town, I realized I definitely needed to eat or I'd wake up halfway through the night starving. We pulled through a McDonald's drive-thru so I could grab a quick salad. The lady running the drive-thru said,

"Welcome to McDonalds, we are currently out of all ice cream products. May I take your order?" That was fine, I wanted salad...

"Great! Can I have a Southwest Chicken Salad?"

"I'm sorry, we are currently out of all salad products." Seriously??? No ice cream OR salad? Argh, I ordered a quarter pounder meal, but then got pissed off at the last minute and drove off, hoping it would mess up her drive-thru flow. Decided to try Wendys:

"Welcome to Wendys, may I take your order?"

"Yes, please, I'd like a sour cream and chive potato and a Caesar side salad."

"I'm sorry ma'am, we are out of baked potatoes and Caesar dressing."

"Okay, what dressings do you have?"

"All of them"

"I don't know what all of them means..." She then proceeded to list about 792837492837 varieties of salad dressing. I tried to interrupt her but she kept listing for about five minutes. Agitated, I screamed "NEVERMIND!" at the speaker and drove off... and immediately broke into tears. Poor David :( He is truly the most patient Baby Daddy ever. Although he was cracking up at me crying and screaming about a salad, he told me to pull over and he got in the drivers seat and let me cry and wail for a few minutes about how "Ijust wanted a salad! I'm so tired! Why does no one have anything I want?? I'm pregnant! This is a conspiracy against pregnant women! Why should I have to get a burger? Why do they put things on the menu if they don't have them???" He offered to go to the store and make me a salad, but I decided I would be okay. Poor guy. Gotta love pregnancy hormones!

Tuesday night we went to Wal-Mart with a list longer than the Mississippi River. We've been putting off going and were out of EVERYTHING. About 30 minutes into our shopping trip, with a half-full cart, I started having terrible pains in my abdomen. Headed to the bathroom, thought perhaps I was just having a bathroom emergency. I ended up getting sick all over the bathroom, in so much pain that I couldn't hardly hold my phone to text David that something was wrong. We headed to the ER (after walking through Wal-Mart completely covered in vomit--not my proudest moment). Spent about 3 hours at the hospital between the ER and the triage part of Labor and Delivery. We are not 100% sure what happened, but what it looks like is that I passed a kidney stone and the pain in my kidneys from the stone triggered contractions. What fun!! Contractions and kidney stones AT THE SAME TIME! Ouch! I had 6 contractions in 2 hours. By the time I was hooked up to the monitors at the hospital I was okay and the contractions had stopped. I guess the upside to that scary night was that I am now registered and on file at the hospital where I will be delivering! Haha. And I know what to expect at check-in! Thankfully myself and the baby are fine. We are just supposed to take it easy, stay off my feet, and stay hydrated. I'm pretty sure she also said that I needed a weekly massage, facial, and manicure but for some reason David didn't hear that part. Selective hearing, perhaps??

This morning I had a job interview for a nanny position starting in January. The lady I met with is also pregnant and she was super sweet. Her baby is due in November, which will make her two months younger than Laila. If everything works out I will be making a nice monthly sum to watch her baby and my own in their home all day Monday-Wednesday. I'm pretty excited about the prospect of getting to be a full-time mom to my own child while also getting to work. Now I've just got to figure out registration for school and try to get my classes to work with that schedule. If I can finish school, and be a full time mom, and work? That'd be a miracle!!!

There is a foot in my rib.

Well... I think it's a foot anyway. There's a baby part at least. Did I used to do this to my mom?

Laila Rose Schaaf will be here in just twelve short weeks. Lately, I've felt a lot better than I did during the first trimester, but from what I hear the third is the worst and I'm just starting that.

Baby showers and birthing classes start in July. :) If I can just get through the next month: one more Hellcat Vixens show and Heavy Rebel 2010, then I'm finished with burlesque til after baby. Ready to spend all of August resting!